vday meltdown

So I’m sitting in the cafeteria the day before vday mooching internet off the school as usual and looking at a friend’s wedding website (after, I might add, having spoken with two friends, one who whom just got married and is now preggers, and the other who is about to get married) when I come across the following words in the matron of honor’s bio:

“When I was young and foolish I moved Hong Kong hoping to see the world and it has been the biggest regret of my life.”

The words “BIGGEST REGRET” jump out at me like a popup ad for internet porn.

The flood gates open and all my insecurities regarding every decision I’ve ever made come pouring out.

I freak out.

Looking for a safe place to unlease my crazy, I scan gchat for someone who could help me. I settled apon an old co worker of mine. I sent him a message that looked something like:

“ALLMYFRIENDSAREGETTINGMARRIEDORHAVINGBABIESANDANDIJUSTREADABOUTSOMEGIRL’SBIGGESTREGRET WASMOVINGTOHONGKONGTOSEETHEWORLDANDTOMORROWISVDAYANDI’MDOINGLAUNDRY. HELP”.

His reply: Huh?

Annoyed he wasn’t understanding the dire situation I slowed down and splained myself. After he was all caught up I let loose the crazy.

Me: What if it’s all a big mistake? You know the story of the ant and grasshopper? I’m a grasshopper. And we all know what happens to the grasshopper at the end. IT DIES IN THE FREEZING COLD BY ITSELF. ALL ALONE.

Him: Is that some sort of fable?

I wanted to scream. Of all the people I decide to pour my heart out to, I get the one person that doesn’t know the story of the ant and grasshopper? How the hell am I suppose to freak out properly if I have to catch him up to speed every other sentence?

I accuse him of ruining my meltdown.

He accuses me of being irrationally dumb.

I equate my future dating pool as slim pickings after a huge after Thanksgiving Day sale.

He tells me to go cry it out.

I further lose faith in my decision making skills having picked the world’s worst person to help make me feel better.

I tell him he is bad at this and brace myself for a question regarding my monthly cycle. Instead the words I’ve been looking for appear.

Kelly, you’re awesome.

That’s all I needed. Crisis averted.